When spirituality has its limits and leads to important discoveries about mindfulness and self
When spirituality has its limits and leads to important discoveries about mindfulness and self
4 min read
An Unexpected Love
A few years ago, as a sophomore at Columbia University, a man gave me a free pocket copy of the Qur’an as I was walking through the Times Square – 42nd Street subway station. I started reading it that day, and before I knew it, I had completely fallen in love with the text. The sincerity and elegance of its language were immensely powerful, and it often moved me to tears.
Suddenly, I wanted to learn everything I could about Islam. I took the testament of faith and prayed five times a day, I abstained from drinking alcohol, eating pork, and having sex, and I even began planning my eventual pilgrimage to Mecca. After a few weeks of practicing my faith in private, I joined the Muslim Student Association on campus and was welcomed with open arms.
My love for Islam took root in its spiritual philosophy. I was particularly drawn to how it characterized God as a force of universal unity. It was very easy for me to have faith in this notion despite the fact that I was wary of Sharia law. Nevertheless, I believed that as long as I followed what God would approve of, then I would find myself in exactly the right place in life.
Turmoil
Then, problems arose when I tried to determine what exactly God would approve of. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was one of the first instances of my OCD manifesting in my daily life. I was questioning everything I did trying to gauge whether or not it was blasphemy:
Does God want me to go down this street or that one?
If I choose this one, will it change my destiny? What if I choose wrong, am I going to Hell?
I was having unwanted intrusive thoughts like this every day, and my daily prayers and study of the Qur’an were worsening my anxiety. It was paralyzing.
After spending more time with other Muslims in the community, I began to see how complicated the rules were.
I knew that these traditions were considered sacred, so I honored that, but what I couldn’t see was that many of these rules were probably exacerbating my obsessive thoughts about sinning and committing transgressions against God.
At this point in my life, I was not talking about this with a therapist or with anyone else. I watched as my obsessions consumed much of my time and my energy while my schoolwork began to suffer. Finally, after opening up to my trusted family and friends, it became clear to me that this particular form of a relationship with God was unhealthy for me, and that it was damaging my mental health.
I was terribly conflicted, because I felt very strongly that to leave Islam would be the ultimate betrayal of my faith in God. But I also knew that I physically could not take the stress anymore, so after a difficult decision, I decided to step away from the concept of God altogether for a time.
Making Peace
Today, I look back fondly on my experiences with Islam. It shaped a great deal of my current spiritual philosophy. I chose to take what I found valuable from the religion and apply it to my own personal relationship with faith. I am no stranger to doing this with the other religious experiences I’ve had in my life, and I feel lucky that each of them was so spiritually enriching for me.
Now, I feel much more grounded within myself and feel able to make responsible choices about God and spirituality. I am thankful for that time in college for opening my eyes to the nature of my OCD and for giving me foresight into learning how to manage it as I got older. It became essential for me to make mental health a top priority, and only through Islam was I able to identify my very first OCD trigger. Practicing mindfulness and other healthy habits every day have become a core value in my life, and I would never have arrived there without my relationship with God, which I am now finally able to cherish. ~
